RELATIONSHIPS: Say Sumthin’ with Dr. Roz and Kil – Why Do We Cheat?

by Kil

Please welcome to the Couch Sessions family, Dr. Roz and Kil, our relationship/marriage specialist. Weekly, they’ll be talking about the issues most folk talk about in their own circles but not in a public forum. But trust, if you’ve thought it, Dr. Roz & Kil will be talking about it.

For a quick rundown on them both, Dr. Roselyn Aker-Black, Psy. D completed her doctoral degree in clinical psychology from Argosy University and has been married to her husband Frank Black for 4 years. Kil is a music producer and writer from Philadelphia who’s been married to his wife for 10 years and together they have a daughter Naomi. Together, Dr. Roz & Kil both share a passion for helping and healing relationships, marriages and families. Check out their blog at, on and follow them on twitter @Kil889 and @DrRozAkerBlack.

This week’s topic? Why do married men and women cheat.

Kil’s Perspective

So…why do married men cheat? So many answers, I don’t know where to begin. First let’s break down men in 3 categories. The first category is the married man who wanted to marry their wives. Meaning they didn’t have to have their arm twisted or threatened into proposing. They wanted to propose on their own. The second category are the men who married their wives because of an ultimatum, which means they really weren’t ready or really didn’t wanna get married. And the third category is the married man, who wanted to marry his wife and thought he could settle down but realized he can’t. Now that we have those 3 categories out the way…my answers are (in no particular order) as follows:

Most men aren’t raised being taught about commitment. The average man (and every man is different so all my answers are going to deal with the average dude) is taught to have sex with as many women as possible and 9 times outta 10, that’s exactly what we set out to do. I can remember being at Morgan State with my peeps and dudes actually having the names and numbers of how many women they had sex with by the year! Men wear the number of women we’ve had sex with like a woman wears a brand new pair of stilettos…with pride. So, it’s hard to take a dude from having sex with 20-30 chicks a year to a mere 1.

Now, for the men in the 1st category, the ones who wanted to marry their wives, (who I think is the average married man) I don’t think he wants to cheat on his wife. But if he is cheating, there’s probably something missing in the marriage and someone else is satisfying that need. And the majority of the time what’s missing is usually sex. See, women have to understand men a little better. When we (men) were in high school, we were just happy to be getting some, so the chicks we were sleeping with in high school didn’t have to put in too much work to please us. She didn’t have to wear lingerie and role play and do 100 different positions, we were just happy to not be virgins anymore and being able to join in the “we’re having sex” convos with the rest of our friends. Then we get to college and now it becomes about numbers and how many women we can sleep with. And we may get a ‘lil freakier and learn a couple of more positions but we’re still happy to just be getting some. But then everything changes when we get married. Now we want and need some tricks. We want some role playing, some lingerie, some stripping, etc. cause now it’s just the two of us…forever. There’s no new chick after the club this weekend or no bangin’ our secretary during our lunch break. Now, I know most women probably have thought, “well my last boyfriend didn’t need all of these tricks” but 9 times outta 10 your ex-boyfriend was cheating on you so he didn’t need any extras cause he was getting his “extras” somewhere else. See, it’s not always just about a man wanting sex, but how a man likes his sex. And I know this is putting a lot of pressure on women but that’s part of the game and ya’ll need to understand that. So, if your husband falls in this category (but truth be told, you really probably don’t know what category he’s in) you not only have to give him sex but you gotta make sure you’re giving him the sex the way he wants.

Now for category #2, if your husband is cheating it could be for an array of reasons because you gave him an ultimatum to marry you in the first place. Industry rule #4,080 for the single ladies, NEVER try to get a man to do something as important as marrying you if he’s not ready to. If you’re ready to get married, and your man isn’t, YOU make the decision to either stay in the relationship or bounce but to tell a man to marry me or else, in my opinion I believe you’re playing yourself and you deserve better. You deserve a man who wants to marry you without any threats, ultimatums, etc.

Now for the 3rd category, which is the cat who thought he could settle down but realizes he can’t settle down (who in my opinion is NOT the average married man…just my opinion) he can cheat for any reason under the sun also. Even if everything is PERFECT in the marriage he may still dip out on you because at the end of the day one woman probably can’t satisfy his sexual appetite. I had a convo with my homegirl once and she said it wouldn’t matter how many women her fiancé had sex with and I told her she better recognize and realize that if your fiancé is 26 and has had sex with over 50 women (which really isn’t that high a number) do you REALLY think with a sexual appetite like that, he’ll be good with just 1 woman? And I know ALL women think their shot is like a slice of heaven and will make a man forget about all 60 of those other women but no matter how good your “sunshine” is, he’s not forgetting all those other chicks.

Roz’s Perspective

Honestly, women cheat for one simple reason, their emotional needs have been neglected. The greatest asset about a woman is that she has the capacity to be understanding and forgiving. While most women may not admit it, if their significant other strays from the relationship and no one else in their immediate circle finds out or passes judgment, then she may be able to forgive her spouse, (not forget) and try to continue on with the relationship.  It’s in our nature to want to work out issues and nurture a situation back to health, however when a woman feels neglected for too long, it’s only a matter of time before she finds herself smiling at the advances from other men. It may take 10 years, 5 months, 20 days, or whatever, eventually her desire to get that emotional need fulfilled becomes overwhelming leaving her susceptible to having an affair.

It is so easy for women to cheat primarily because most men feel as if their spouse will never cheat on them, in fact most men aren’t even concerned about their significant other cheating  on them (especially if they are doing their own dirt, or unless she has a history). However, if you ignore a situation long enough, problems will occur and sometimes the UPS man (no offense to any UPS employees) appears to be an easy fix!

Men, what you have to realize is that communication and intimacy are primary emotional needs for your significant other! Talking makes us feel connected to you, so if you are constantly not communicating with your wife, believe me there is someone out there that will! And in terms of nagging, nagging would not take place, if you met whatever that need may be. Think about it, if you have taken care of what is asked of you, such as a consistent date every now and then, or a little consistent quality time, then chances are your significant other will stop nagging you to do these things. Nagging is an attempt to get the relationship back on track, but after awhile, people stop asking for things that they never get, to ward off rejection. My friend, that is when you should begin to worry, because either someone else has met that need or she is emotionally detaching herself from you and the situation.

You will do things quicker for your boss than you will for the person that you vowed to love, honor and protect until death do you part. I know you may rationalize this by saying, that it’s your job, you have to or else it will affect your livelihood, but when it’s all said and done, none of that will matter if you do not have anyone to share that livelihood with because you chose to neglect your spouse!

Being intimate with our significant other is how we judge our emotional closeness with our spouse. If there is no intimacy going on in your relationship, then rest assured that, you are leaving your wife or significant other in a vulnerable place. Listen men, we can’t get any closer to you than you physically being inside of us. We need that emotional connection on a consistent basis to reassure us of the progress of our relationship. When doubt creeps in about whether our mates still desire us, it can spiral out of control quickly and take on a life of its own.

Affairs for men are physical and you are getting a physical need met, but please beware that affairs for women are more emotional in nature, even if she is not truly attracted to the other guy. Once she has an orgasmic release, she releases the hormone chemical Oxytocin that creates an emotional bond between her and her suitor. Please note that this hormone is released as well, when a woman gives birth that instantly creates a bonding between a mother and child, it’s pretty strong and can create conflict between emotions and logic when in an affair situation.

So men, if you want to ensure that your wife or significant other is true to you, then make sure that you are the only man that’s making her feel desired, that she knows that she is the apple of your eye, and that you are the one that’s making her feel beautiful by the time and attention that you put into your relationship! Talk to your wife and genuinely communicate with her, you may find that she is an interesting person and it may help you to remember why you initially fell in love with her. Trust me, if you don’t do your part, somebody else will!

  • Donn

    Good article Roz and Kil. Valid points on both sides. Kil, you making me want to take it back to high school and college…my goodness. Roz, when I get home I’m going to make wifey release her Oxytocin all over the place, if I don’t release mine first. :)

  • Dr. Roz and Kill

    Thanks for the comment! We are glad that we were able to get you thinking about your marriage! That Oxytocin is serious and has a lot of benefits! lol

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