The Chappelle Theory

by Winston "Stone" Ford

I got this email last week telling me to check out The Chappelle Theory. The website is supposed to be a timeline of events chronicling the downfall of Chappelle's Show. Not only that, but its supposed to provide the theory that the real reason that Dave's show was cancelled is because America's black aristocracy (Oprah, Bill Cosby, Bob Johnson, etc) waged war to bring him down.

I'm sorry people, but this shit is a joke.

Case in point:

Inside the package was a voodoo-doll style replica of Chappelle dressed as Clayton Bigsby ??? the African American Klansman from his first show. The doll was riddled with safety pins, and had a noose tied sharply around his neck. Accompanying the doll was a message in a childlike scrawl that read, “what you're doing is hurting the African American community ??? it needs to stop.”

Obviously, whoever did this page put a lot of effort into it, but since the source (a “retired public relations exec”) remains anonymous, I have to take his or her claims with a grain of salt. I'm thinking that this is some college student from Nebraska with too much time on his hands.

Still, it???s some interesting ish. The site alleges that these people went out of their way to mess with Chappelle's bank account and to intimidate his family. For instance, apparently Al Sharpton stalked Chappelle at a DC movie theatre and Oprah Winfrey threatened Chappelle in his bedroom (and drugged his wife). Huh? If the “Dark Crusaders” of Whoopi, Winfrey, Johnson, and Sharpton took this much time to work for the Black community, then we'd all be rich.

I was trying to believe this ish, but this my friends, is the kicker:

On Tuesday, while watching an episode of the Oprah Winfrey show, Chappelle recalled being completely stunned when Winfrey turned to the camera in the middle of interviewing Tom Cruise and said “Dave Chappelle, you should be ashamed of yourself for airing that Niggars sketch on your show this week, I'm going to make sure you never work in Hollywood again.”

The image, allegedly taped by Winfrey, and transmitted to Chappelle's house under the direction of Robert L. Johnson who called in some favors with Chappelle's local affiliate station manager, terrified Chappelle.

Um. Yeah.

This ish just gets worse from there. At least this will hold me over until Season 3 airs in '06. (from Nah Right)

Update: But wait, there's more. Here is the account by Chappelle being confronted by Oprah as told to a one of his freiends.

I opened my eyes to find one of the three men ??? that appeared in my bathroom days before ??? perched on top of my stomach, wielding a Colt 45 handgun with an enormous silencer. The other two men were holding me down. It seemed like my wife had been drugged, as she laid motionless but breathing next to me.

Oprah Winfrey leaned forward and whispered in my ear “you better watch your step ??? we're representing interests more powerful than you can imagine. You do remember that Farrakhan killed Malcom, and that Cosby, Johnson and I have more money than God ??? we can keep this harassment up forever. Is this what you want your life to be like Dave?”

The last thing I remember, someone knocked me out.

I woke up with my wife the next morning and I thought it might have been a dream, but I still have a bruise on my head and I really think this all happened, despite the fact that my wife shows no signs of anything having ever happened.

Damn, this just keeps getting better and better.

  • Miss Hipstah

    Oh my god. I totally saw that movie last week!

  • Stone

    There was a movie?