It has been established that white people can't dance. We have learned this from various places. There are guidelines to being white and dancing. There is video taped evidence of D.W.W. (Dancing While White) There are even commercials that target people based on their white dancing capabilities. These tend to be mostly alcohol commercials; Red Stripe and Bacardi just to name a few.
So I thought, to prepare you for the holiday season, I'd list the top ten things white people do when the get ballsy enough to venture onto the dance floor.
In no particular order after the jump:
1. The Elbow Thrust: Now, apparently when white people dance, they have no idea how to move their feet. So, in order to compensate, they move their arms around like crazy. The raise em in the air. They throw them all around. They will straight knock you out with a pointy elbow.
2. Lesbian Grinding: This is when two chicks grind with each other not because they are actually a couple or are interested in having a lesbian experience. They do it because they want guys to look at them. And you can tell too. They'll look around and try to see if there are any guys around while they are doing it. If not, they'll move to another location and try again.
3. Off the Beat Rock: This is when a person rocks the upper half of their body ecstatically and off beat. They then claim to have been so into the music.
4. The Over Bite: White guys???if you bite your lower lip while you dance???you are not cool…please try and stop. Anyone else???if you bite your lower lip while you dance???you are even less cool. For the love of b-boy stances everywhere, please stop.
5. White Girl Booty Shake:Yes there is a new phenomenon. White girls are getting bigger asses. I’ll let you in on a little secret though…it???s just the fact that jeans are being made differently. The cut of the waist line is lower giving off the illusion of a bigger ass. But then there are some corn fed (yeah, I said corn fed) white girls who do indeed grow a bigger booty. This, however, does not mean that they can shake it. Watch a group of girls in the club trying to dance like a video ho. You???ll see what I mean.
6. Swing Dancing/Slow Dance: If you are in a club and Ludacris' song “What's Your Fantasy?” is playing…DO NOT try to swing dance to it. If you are in a club and Pretty Ricky's song “Grind With Me” comes on, do not try and slow dance like you're at your sister's wedding. Do what the song says.
7. The Circle: Lord knows I have been sucked into these and I never know how it happens. This is when you are on the dance floor with a group of your friends and for some ungodly reason, you all end up facing each other in a circle..thereby keeping anyone new from entering. I know sometimes why girls do it. They want to be able to watch each other's backs. But let's be real here…you can watch homegirl's back with out looking like you're at your first 7th grade dance.
8. The I-Know-I'm-A-White-Guy-Dancing-So-I'm-Gonna-Make-A-Goofy-Face Dance: 'Nuff said.
9. Two Step: Country Line Dancing at it's finest. The only time I have ever seen two stepping and thought it was remotely cute was in Zero 7's video for “Somersault”.
10. The Stander: This is the person who knows that he or she is white, and therefore cannot dance. So he or she decides that they should just stand in the middle of the dance floor where everyone can bump into him or her and he or she just ends up getting in the way. I've seen plenty of people who claim that they “don't dance” just stand around and then get pissed off when people step on their shoes.
So that's in the upcoming Holiday Season, remember kids…friends don't let their white friends dance.
Have a good one.